slow productivity and recovery

This month feels different from my usual Aprils since 2022. It’s slower, much slower, like each day is a long, steady breath. I’m still trying to get used to it. Being alone in the office feels off, like I’m not supposed to be there, yet I still have to justify my salary so I don't makan gaji buta, you know. Some days I’m like, am I working or just… existing professionally??

I’m off audit this time because I dont really have a choice. My body has been screaming for my attention and now I cant ignore it anymore. Honestly, I’m scared of what might happen if I keep pushing it aside, if I keep telling myself “I’ll deal with it after this,” only to follow it with another “after this” that never ends. My body finally forced me to stop. My womb, my muscles, my joints, all of it hurting at once. Even lifting my feet felt heavy. My brain cells are taking a picnic somewhere. I moved through my days in slow motion, like that was the only way I could function. And I know it’s not who I used to be. I remember how fast I could move, especially with coffee in my system. Back then, one cup and suddenly I had main character energy. Now it’s more like buffering… slowly loading.

But sometime in March, it hit me. I hadn’t felt like myself physically since February. Suddenly, it all made sense. It’s the hormonal therapy.

I’ve been dealing with endometriosis, adenomyosis, cysts, and myoma. The signs were already there since my first year in Medan, but I didn’t recognize them for what they were. We grow up being told that period pain is normal. That it’s normal to not be able to walk, to have a fever, to almost pass out. “Just rest more,” they say. “Take supplements before your period so your body will be stronger.” I believed that, until I couldn’t anymore.

I think I spent too much time looking for answers outside, when all along, my body was already telling me everything since that first feverish period in 2022. But what’s done is done, lah. I’ve forgiven myself for not knowing. Some things only time can teach. I’ve also made peace with people who never understood what I was going through. I dont feel the need to explain it anymore. It's not their fault they didn't know, kan?. Ya sudahlah.

Right now, I just want to focus on what actually matters. The life I’ve been given. What Allah has entrusted to me. My faith, my body, my soul, my family. Everything else can be replaced.

So here I am. But hear me out. It’s...kinda strange, isn’t it? When you’re so used to constant noise in your head, silence starts to feel wrong. Sure, we have weekends, holidays, days off. But this kind of slowness, stretching for weeks, feels unfamiliar. I still have work to do, but without the usual pressure, without tight deadlines hanging over me. I guess we're all so used to being in survival mode all the time, on pressure, living in deadlines, measuring our worth by how exhausted we are at the end of the day. So when that noise suddenly fades, it doesn’t feel like peace at first. It feels... suspicious. 

Maybe this quiet isn’t emptiness. I'm gonna think of it as space. Space to rest and breathe deeper. For now, I have these two weeks in front of me, and I dont want to waste them. I’m going to use this time to really listen to my body, to gain back my strength, and to take care of myself the way I should have from the start. No more putting it off, no more waiting for the “right time.”