slow productivity and recovery

This month feels different from my usual Aprils since 2022. It’s slower, much slower, like each day is a long, steady breath. I’m still trying to get used to it. Being alone in the office feels off, like I’m not supposed to be there, yet I still have to justify my salary so I don't makan gaji buta, you know. Some days I’m like, am I working or just… existing professionally??

I’m off audit this time because I dont really have a choice. My body has been screaming for my attention and now I cant ignore it anymore. Honestly, I’m scared of what might happen if I keep pushing it aside, if I keep telling myself “I’ll deal with it after this,” only to follow it with another “after this” that never ends. My body finally forced me to stop. My womb, my muscles, my joints, all of it hurting at once. Even lifting my feet felt heavy. My brain cells are taking a picnic somewhere. I moved through my days in slow motion, like that was the only way I could function. And I know it’s not who I used to be. I remember how fast I could move, especially with coffee in my system. Back then, one cup and suddenly I had main character energy. Now it’s more like buffering… slowly loading.

But sometime in March, it hit me. I hadn’t felt like myself physically since February. Suddenly, it all made sense. It’s the hormonal therapy.

Subuh

I was born on a Friday dawn. That quiet hour when the world is still holding its breath, not yet awake, not fully asleep. The kind of silence that isn’t empty, but waiting. I’ve always wondered what that says about me, and the way I move through life.

Maybe that's why I'm drawn to quiet but not the lonely kind. But the kind of quiet that hums softly, like something about to begin. Also, maybe that's why I find comfort in the in-between. In pauses. Why I linger in the early hours, when the sky is still dim and the world feels honest.

Maybe this is why I find odd comfort in the sound of life arriving, distant footsteps approaching, a car starting, the silence before I press play button on Youtube Music, the first call of the day to pray. Not loud, not yet, just enough to remind me that everything is on its way.

Maybe this is why I feel most like myself when the world hasn’t fully claimed the day, when I can sit with my thoughts before the noise comes in, rushing, with all of its endless to-dos. Because I don’t belong to silence alone, I belong to the kind that waits, that listens, that knows the chaos is coming and welcomes it anyway. I was not made for emptiness. I was made for beginnings.