This month feels different from my usual Aprils since 2022. It’s slower, much slower, like each day is a long, steady breath. I’m still trying to get used to it. Being alone in the office feels off, like I’m not supposed to be there, yet I still have to justify my salary so I don't makan gaji buta, you know. Some days I’m like, am I working or just… existing professionally??
I’m off audit this time because I dont really have a choice. My body has been screaming for my attention and now I cant ignore it anymore. Honestly, I’m scared of what might happen if I keep pushing it aside, if I keep telling myself “I’ll deal with it after this,” only to follow it with another “after this” that never ends. My body finally forced me to stop. My womb, my muscles, my joints, all of it hurting at once. Even lifting my feet felt heavy. My brain cells are taking a picnic somewhere. I moved through my days in slow motion, like that was the only way I could function. And I know it’s not who I used to be. I remember how fast I could move, especially with coffee in my system. Back then, one cup and suddenly I had main character energy. Now it’s more like buffering… slowly loading.
But sometime in March, it hit me. I hadn’t felt like myself physically since February. Suddenly, it all made sense. It’s the hormonal therapy.
