SKB and a Worrying Wave of Anxiety

 It was 16.09 as I checked my watch after my assessor wrapped up my interview. I remember being called into the room not even 30 minutes before. I remember standing up from my chair, walking like a zombie to gather my bags, processing all the questions in my head like an old Android phone. 

Already?

I still have a lot to tell.

I haven't told her about this and that, and a lot more.

Did I say something wrong? 

Or is it possible she already made an assumption about me? 

Trying to see a bigger picture of me as a person based on the very limited information I provided?

But she didn't ask me about this and that, and a lot of things.

But I have prepared myself for tens and tens of questions, but how I only got very few?

My head spun, wondering if it went wrong. Maybe I set my expectations too high, hoping she'd dig deeper because I was 100% ready to be brutally honest and open up about myself. I cried on my way home listening to Taylor Swift, feeling so heavy-hearted. I felt like I wasn't properly interviewed. Was I not interesting enough to be asked more? Seriously, my anxiety just shot through the roof the minute I walked out of the room. 

It was 21.13. I came home to my husband's proud smile despite all my whining on the phone. We talked until past midnight. He patiently listened to me whining all over again, saying the same things over and over. He then said something that woke me up.

"Ainun, don't you think you're a bit selfish towards the interviewer? She has interviewed maybe hundreds of people before you, and obviously more after you. It was past 4 pm. Obviously, she was tired. You expecting the interview would last 2 hours sounds a bit silly. Try to see this from her point of view."

I was offended at first. I mean, he's my husband and he should be on my side, right?. But now, today, after a good night's sleep and some more this morning, I can see the light in his answer. Yes, she did seem tired. Her voice and eyes were weak. And yes, now I feel selfish for what I said. Hahahha... Men, they seem to have better logic than us women.

Well, anyway. It's past 28 hours since the interview. I can't dwell on something I cannot control (anymore), so I'm writing this post to celebrate my hard work. I take pride in my effort because it's the only thing I can control. If my result weren't as expected, obviously I'd be heartbroken, but I would never regret it because I tried my very best. I never wanna look back and wonder what if I could do more, or why I didn't take a chance.

The highlight of my 2021 has been these CPNS tests, and I'm super grateful for it. I learned a lot about myself, to be honest. Some people say when you're past your 30 and having kid(s), you don't have the grit and persistence anymore for this kind of competition. But I proved myself, and I never felt this good about something I've done even when I haven't got the result yet. I also learned that I have an amazing support system. My family, husband, best friends, my daughter. They were rooting for me all the way. They celebrated my hard work. And for that, I feel like the luckiest person to be alive.