To Allah we all belong, and to Him we'll return

 

Today, I'm reminded again how this life is but a stepping stone to the afterlife. Covid took away my thesis supervisor, my professor. Our most recent conversation took place just a few days ago. We got Covid around the same time in early August, but he's old and could only handle herbal remedies. We talked a lot during that time. Even in sick, he wrote research articles with his colleagues and me. He told me at the end of August that he was starting to feel better.

When I heard the news, I didn't quite understand how to react. It was clearly shocking, and I just froze as my brain struggled to process what was going on. Later that afternoon, I looked him up on Google and found his channel. He wrote his last poetry 2 weeks ago, narrated it with photographs of his house and garden, entitled it "going home". As I listened to his voice, that's when the feeling hit. Nothing could stop my tears for a good 20 minutes. 

He was a quiet man who kept to himself. Never talked more than necessary. His voice was soft and he spoke slowly. But when he read poetry on stage, he was a completely different person. His voice loud, saying each word as if it’s the soundtrack of a battle he’s fighting. His passion has always been literature (sastra). I could say he lived up to his name, as he looked most alive when he talked about the power of words.

Covid Note

 We live in a time where we are constantly reaching outward. 

We reach out our hands as far out into the world as we can, trying to grip onto external sources that shine like gold and promise good times. Friends to see. Hands to shake. Bodies to hug. Laughter to share. Stories to tell. Our world seems so big when our hands can easily stretch so far, and our feet can go places. But when that ability was put on hold… We struggle.

I, have been struggling, with my world suddenly became so tiny, and suffocating. For the last few consecutive days, my world has been a 3x4 square room with the lights mostly off, making the room feel even smaller.

We've all had our moments of breakdown. Fortunately, none of us fell apart at the exact same time. So there's always one of us waiting to pull the other out. Until I got Covid last week. Husband caught the virus within 3 days of my isolation making this time more difficult. He had to isolate himself in another room, leaving my daughter alone. No one to help for a while. Just two helpless parents and one (alhamdulillah) healthy 5-year old girl, all just waiting until it gets better.

Sunday Senses

Seeing: green paddy fields as far as my eyes could see and three mountains walling this city. It just rained. The air has been freezing. Even the oil in my kitchen turned to white! But what I see now… Man, it’s really something.

Drinking: a cup of saffron tea.

Feeling: everything. Honestly, I’m losing words to explain how I feel. Sometimes it gets overwhelming but I know it’s just my body (hormones) trying to trick my mind.

Missing: a long heartfelt talk with a good friend who lives worlds away. Distance is the funniest thing, don’t you think? Someone could feel like they’re a million miles away while they’re standing right next to you, yet you could feel the warm skin of someone you never even see in person.

Loving: lately I and my daughter are into anatomy. I try my best to teach her practical knowledge and skills in hope to spark her curiosity. She’s not that interested in reading yet, but loves math and how the body and brain works. Sounds so serious, doesn’t it? In reality, it’s just mostly role play.

Garuda Indonesia dan Nostalgia Masa Kecil

Masih jelas saya mengingat ketika masih kecil, naik pesawat adalah salah satu impian besar saya dalam hidup. Bunyi pesawat selalu menjadi pembangkit semangat saya dan anak-anak kampung, kami akan berhamburan keluar rumah dan melambaikan tangan sambil teriak sekuat tenaga. Pernah suatu malam saat saya masih berstatus murid kelas 3 SD di sebuah sekolah yang tidak begitu diperhitungkan, di sebuah kampung kecil di Kepulauan Riau, saya duduk sendiri di teras setelah adu mulut dengan adik. Pastilah karena masalah murahan karena saya tidak bisa mengingatnya sekarang. Saya duduk sambil sesekali mengusap air mata yang lewat di pipi. Ah, pastilah saat itu rasanya seperti di sinetron. Ditemani suara jangkrik dan bunyi angin malam yang saya sukai. 

Di tengah-tengah pikiran yang berkecamuk, tiba-tiba sebuah pesawat melintas tepat di atas kepala saya. Tentu jaraknya sangat jauh, tapi kepala saya harus mendongak lurus ke langit untuk menemukan sebuah benda kecil dengan lampu kerlap-kerlip melintas membelah langit malam yang bertabur bintang. Meskipun saya lupa dengan detail kejadian malam itu, namun sepotong momen ini masih terekam jelas di benak saya. Seketika saya merasa sangat beruntung, karena pemandangan seperti itu adalah kali pertama saya lihat. Pesawat yang melintasi langit malam bertabur bintang. Bahkan beberapa menit setelah pesawat itu hilang dari pandangan dan suara di sekeliling saya kembali diisi hanya oleh jangkrik dan semilir angin, saya masih tersenyum. Rasa seperti berada dalam sinetron, jadi naik pangkat ke layar lebar. 

Catatan Shalat Idul Adha

Lapangan Kantin sudah disesaki manusia berpakaian dominan putih saat saya memasuki area tersebut. Shaf kosong tinggal sedikit, dan tentu letaknya di belakang. Saya dan jamaah perempuan yang hampir terlambat lainnya berjalan beriringan mencari keberuntungan menemukan tempat yang kering. Padang Panjang kemarin diguyur hujan, sehingga tanah lapangan cukup banyak yang digenangi air. Beberapa jamaah yang sudah duduk rapi dan cantik dengan mukenah bersihnya terlihat nyaman membentangkan sajadah di atas plastik transparan dengan tanah becek di bawahnya. Saya kebetulan tidak membawa apa-apa selain sajadah, mukenah dan dompet. Saya terus melangkah melewati barisan manusia untuk menemukan tempat yang cukup nyaman, setidaknya tidak lembab atau becek. Memindai dengan mata ternyata tidak mudah, karena tertutupi jamaah yang berdiri dan berjalan dengan tujuan yang sama seperti saya. 

Di panggung mini di muka lapangan, bapak kepala Departemen Agama sedang menyampaikan ceramah. Saya tidak bisa menyimak lantaran masih harap-harap cemas dengan spot saya shalat nanti. Ceramah lalu digantikan oleh bapak Walikota. Pertanda setelah ini shalat akan dimulai. Alhamdulillah beberapa menit setelah Muqaddimah, saya menemukan spot yang pas. Kering. Saya bentangkan sajadah dan memasang mukenah hadiah mahar dari suami tercinta. Pidato bapak Walikota banyak berisi informasi seputar perkembangan kota dan acara pengganti open house yang rutin beliau laksanakan setiap Idul Adha. Saya berdiri dan memotret situasi. Satu foto. Dua foto. Cukup. Saya amati sekitar saya. Ibu-ibu banyak yang sibuk dengan anaknya yang tampak bersih dan harum. Anak muda berselfie ria. Yang tampak menyimak pidato hanya mereka yang sepertinya sudah berumur.